


Every Team Needs a Zero

by Universeof7plus2plus1stars



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Enemies to Enemies, Family bonding? More like attempts at stopping Doomsday, Fights, Gen, Humor, Lila Pitts Being Lila Pitts, No Incest, Number Five | The Boy Being an Asshole, One Shot, Or the other way around, Post-Canon, So no one should be surprised really, Team as Family, i got carried away
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:48:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26799826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Universeof7plus2plus1stars/pseuds/Universeof7plus2plus1stars
Summary: Sometime after getting back to 2019 and in the midst of the usual mess of problem-solving, the Umbrella Academy (somewhat literally) runs into a familiar face. Number Five really doesn't have time for this.(This is just him and Lila having some loving, gentle and definitely not-at-all-hurtful siblingly banter. Popcorn is recommended.)
Relationships: Diego Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Lila Pitts & Everybody, Number Five | The Boy & Lila Pitts, Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy) & Everyone, The Hargreeves Family
Kudos: 35





	Every Team Needs a Zero

“Five! Wait!” shouted Luther at the back of the time-travelling assassin, getting further from them at an alarming rate.

“Jesus! Try to keep up!”

“You do know that “keeping up” ” replied Allison, doing the quotation marks with her hands “would require us to literally sprint after you?”

“We are running out of time!” Five yelled back indignantly, too frustrated to even care about the pun. His siblings shared a look. He might have been seriously overusing the expression, but so far he'd been right every time.

“It would be easier if you weren't blinking all the time” Diego remarked half-heartedly, now properly running along. And almost bumping into the back of Five, who chose this exact moment to stop, yet managed to look reproachful.

“What?”

“I think I felt a ting” answered Five, tsking seriously.

“So we stopped because you felt a… a _ting_?”

“Yes, exactly. I think someone else was jumping through space, just a moment ago. I felt it.”

Diego looked incredulously at the others. Luther shrugged his shoulders. They all slowly turned their gaze to the alley ahead of them, perfectly likely to have someone appear and lunge at them. Five took a step back and raised the baseball bat he carried along for the sole purpose of finding who the fingerprints belonged to.

Five, someone who truly saw the beauty in advanced weaponry, could never appreciate objects frequently called “weapons” by cavemen, that were only useful for hitting other people. But the end justifies the means.

“We should stick together. We don't know who's there and they could be very dangerous…”

“Aww” said a high voice from behind Five's back, startling him. “Am I hearing a compliment?”

Five pressed his lips together and turned slowly on his heels, holding the bat high and already staring daggers at the enemy. The enemy, that had short hair, big dark eyes and was dressed in all black.

“That aggressive, are we? Or are you just happy to see me?”

“Certainly not” Five clarified, lowering the bat in his hands. Lila smiled. “Though, I must admit… For _once_ , things were going decently well, so I should have expected you’d turn up.”

“Yeah, would you look at this! The whole family together” she continued, turning around to perceive all of the unimpressed Umbrella Academy. Five sighed.

“Do you want to say anything specific or did you come here only to slow me down?”

“Yes. No. I mean, yes. Well. Back in the 60s - crazy days, wasn’t it? You can’t find any baby blue cars anymore- Anyway, we got together quite nicely and I thought now, with me being born on the same day and all... Maybe I could be part of the team.”

“No. Nope. Don’t even _tHink_ about it!” Five said in the same voice he would have used to refuse an offer that includes killing people. Luther looked worriedly at Allison, who was perhaps uncharacteristically furious.

“You! You rumored me and I almost died! What did you even expect? That we’d trust you?”

“She’s got a point” muttered Diego. Lila ignored him for now.

“Okay, but the rumoring was basically self-defence. Are you still mad about that?” she asked Allison with childish surprise. Five stepped between them, gesturing placatingly.

“Look,” he started explaining to Lila, punctuating every word “you wanted to kill me and my siblings. Whatever you want to achieve, you can try and do it without us, because --”

“Sorry, sorry, did I... miss something?” breathed a just-arriving Klaus, grasping at his chest. “Oh. Am I interrupting?”

“Klaus. Where the hell were you until now?” Five turned in his direction. How can one possibly keep up with so many dysfunctional idiots?

“I was running... after you. Had to... stop to... catch my breath” was the achingly exhausted answer, and Klaus already slid down to the side of the road. “Wait. Isn't that the lady from... what's it called?”

“The Commission?” answered Diego, pinching the bridge of his nose with a smirk.

“Yeah, that's it! The crazy bitch that wanted to kill us all.”

“So I'm crazy? Or are you just gonna ignore this little murderer here?” said Lila indignantly, pointing (apparently) at Five. Five smirked, making sure to let her know he acknowledged the comparison, then took a step forward, ready for whatever this should get to.

“At least I don't enjoy killing people. You're the one saying it's “personal”!”

“Oh yeah? Don’t mean to sound ill-founded, but I’ve heard some stories about you looking _pretttty_ happy while killing people” she shrugged with a challenging little smile. Five scuffed.

“If you were any bright, you’d clearly be familiar with the concept of increased adrenaline secretion.”

“Aw. I didn’t think you still get nervous” Lila replied, and Five straight-out laughed.

By now, they were standing face to face, fists clenched, eyes glinting with something that could only be described as _murderous rage_. Vanya, who’d been doing her best to stay out of the centre of attention, bit her bottom lip.

“Are you’ll sure that’s really --”

“...Necessary?” finished Allison, looking sympathetically at her sister.

“Guys, done is done, but that’s enough” tried Luther, but it seemed to have about zero effect. Five and Lila had been staring each other off rigidly for nearly a minute, and it was getting worrying.

It was Five who broke the staring first, moving his gaze humbly to the ground. He turned on his heels and stepped easily to Diego.

“Would you please hold this for a moment?” he asked with suspicious politeness, handing him the bat and stepping back to his previous position before Diego could say anything.

He bent close to Lila, invading her aura, every muscle of his face clenched with anxious hostility.

“I have more skill in my middle finger than you’ll ever manage!” he spit in Lila’s face.

“You wanna prove it?” she replied with one more smirk, and they both blinked away. By the time Allison opened her mouth to protest, they had reappeared next to a fretting Klaus, throwing and receiving punches in equal parts.

Soon enough, Lila gained enough space to perform an impressive kick. Five ducked and before she could have kicked out again, he was standing a couple of meters behind her back, running at her. Even if she hadn’t noticed it in time, Luther’s widening eyes would have given Five away. When he lunged himself in the air, she was already expecting him with a hard blow, before they both teleported again.

“Stop it!--” shouted Luther, cowering in panic from a punch that definitely wasn’t meant for him. It took him shorter than a second to realize he was standing in the wrong place, the obstacle between the two fighting parties.

Allison, who was standing closest, successfully slid beside Lila, bending down to meet Five’s ear.

“I heard a rumor...” she started, the soundwaves vibrating toward him, but Five’s fists glowed and he blinked away with no effort.

“...That you stopped fighting” she finished in familiar exasperation, the desired effect gone. “This is pointless.”

Meanwhile, Five and Lila appeared further away, panting at a steady distance from each other.

“Tired already?” he asked, leaning onto the nearby wall.

“Keep kidding yourself. If I were assigned to kill you, I’d think you an easy target.”

“Hah. Want to hear about easy targets? Your parents were easy targets. I expected them to at least _try_ to escape, but all I got was _screaming_ and _crying_ …” he looked Lila in her skillfully unreadable eyes and let a terrifying grin paint his face. “I’m sorry. Was that too soon?”

For a second - aside from a few scolding gasps - there was silence. Then Lila’s face twisted with rage and she lunged at Five in full power.

They were both aware that anger rarely helps when fighting, but she has been taught how to use her anger to her advantage, taking it into every move, every turn and every punch she aimed. Number Five was a deadly assassin and a dangerous man to go against, but he also was a 58-year-old soul. Someone who has lived through so many odd situations, seen so many strange things that it was near impossible to surprise him anymore. But he definitely hadn’t expected Lila to use her anger this effectively.

He still fought back, attempting to access his hidden reserves of energy, but with only himself to protect, it was easier said than done. An unexpected blow left him disoriented, another making him almost fall to the ground.

“May I borrow this?” asked Lila sweetly from a too-confused-to-react Diego and a moment later she was gone again, slamming the bat into Five’s knee, eliciting a collective, sympathetic wince.

“Thank you” she handed it back with an aggressive smile, blinking back to his opponent before he could have done anything.

“Fuck you” groaned Five, laying with his leg squeezed to his chest. Lila stood over him for a few seconds, bathing in the sense of superiority, before placing her foot on Five’s throat and slowly pushing down.

“Got a fixation on this?” croaked Five, removing one hand from his leg to try and push her foot back.

“Not really, no” she replied, flipping him over to his stomach. Five groaned again from the sharp kick, his knee half-crushed under the weight of his chest.

It was then that Luther started running toward Lila with an intended-to-be-scary war cry. Lila did all she could not to roll her eyes.

“Watch out!” shouted Allison, but she was too late. Lila had already teleported, getting behind Luther’s back and attacking him with inhuman strength at his supposed weak spots, where his neck met his shoulders.

Number Five noticed that he was being left unsupervised and tried to stagger to his feet, which wasn’t an easy task with his ruined knee.

“You wanna join in?” asked Klaus, jolting Diego out of the comforting activity of flipping a knife.

“The ensuing... fight, that’s what I was referring to” he continued with a gesture too vague to communicate a clearer meaning.

“Oh. No man, I’m good” answered Diego articulately. Klaus glared at him. “Do you really think _I_ could stop her?” Diego added pointing at Lila, who was currently throwing Luther over her shoulder. Klaus gasped with a realization.

“You still like her!”

“No” denied Diego, furrowing his eyebrows for better effect.

“Yes, you do!” laughed Klaus, before being elbowed by his brother. He rubbed his arm and looked over to the battlefield, where things had taken a frightening turn.

It seemed like Luther had been - somehow - knocked out, while Five was now on his feet. Him and Lila were having a new, heated staring contest, their fists glowing bright blue. Both of them sported bruises, but they still had enough energy (or just stubbornness) to jump at each other, wild enough to make Klaus frown with concern.

“ENOUGH” a voice resonated, and everyone looked to see Vanya floating gloriously in the air. Lila let go of Five’s collar. The others heaved a relieved breath as she slowly powered down, her feet meeting the ground. Five thought he was too old to feel proud of people, but he still felt a smile tug at the corners of his mouth.

Lila, on the other hand, smiled widely.

“So… What do you think? Do I make it to Team Zero?”


End file.
